Conversation Killer
Occasionally, when I'm out grabbing drinks with friends, I'll get some ... um ... undesired attention from a drunk guy that thinks being obnoxious can somehow be substituted for charm - a deadly mistake, boys. Being the genuinely nice person that I am, I usually have a difficult time signaling my disinterest and end up embroiled in bizarre conversations. Recently, however, I was able to end one such conversation rather quickly.
The next morning, however, I woke to a frantic call from my mother. An enormous oak tree had apparently fallen in a storm the night before and had come precariously close to smashing through the roof and killing both my parents at they lay in restful repose (not a bad way to go if you ask me). My mother was still a shaken as she described how the oak tree had flattened her fake pine trees like pancakes, and I couldn't help but feel a bit guilty.
What made me feel even more guilty was when I realized that I would probably use my new 'conversation-killer' again. But don't worry - I'll only use it if absolutely necessary.
Drunk: (coming up behind me, throwing his arm over my shoulder and slurring) You're cute. Do your parents know you're gay?Not bad if I do say so myself. I was worried for a few moments that I had somehow damned my very-alive-parents to some horrible catastrophe, but alcohol soon removed those worries.
(Brilliant opening line, right?)
Me: Um, no.
(Lies are sometimes more interesting, aren't they?)
Drunk:Why not? Afraid to tell them?
Me: No. (dramatic pause) They're both dead.
Drunk: Oh (pause). Um (removing arm from around my shoulders). Oh (walking away).
The next morning, however, I woke to a frantic call from my mother. An enormous oak tree had apparently fallen in a storm the night before and had come precariously close to smashing through the roof and killing both my parents at they lay in restful repose (not a bad way to go if you ask me). My mother was still a shaken as she described how the oak tree had flattened her fake pine trees like pancakes, and I couldn't help but feel a bit guilty.
What made me feel even more guilty was when I realized that I would probably use my new 'conversation-killer' again. But don't worry - I'll only use it if absolutely necessary.
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